My Diary & Experiences

I’m So Sick of This Loneliness

It’s been a long time I live alone. Since my father and my grandmother leaved me. It was about 18 years ago. Both of them are my angels. Honestly, I never talked about my secret to my mother since I was a child. Because my father always asked me to talked first to him.

After all that hard time, I grew up alone. I have a family, but yeah I was study abroad since junior high school. I lived with my grandfather and we were have different minds which is, I cant talked everything to him. Also, he was getting older.

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Passed my school, I was study abroad again, leaving my family and stayed at Surabaya for almost 6 years. It became my habit. This time I just need somebody to accompany me. “Talking about married detected”.

Now, when I felt lonely, I open Instagram or YouTube to watch my friend, BTS. Yes, I know it was not real but they are really friends for me. Many people called them Idol, but not me. I search about they cute moments when I sad, I listen to their motivated song when I was down. It was simple, but I’m scared it will become my habit. I’m used to them, so it will affect my heart for accepting someone in my life. I mean , yeah I know I can’t fall in love with someone in easy way, but maybe it will become harder ?

A lot of my friends encouraged me to open my heart, but it was so hard. I’ve been … what is it ? liking someone… that matched me…I don’t know how to describe it but yeah my ideal type is still him. Every people who come to me, I was naturally remembering about him. Argh I can’t even touch him or talk to him now I just want him to be safe. In Islam, we knew that the best communication before halal is from a wish right ? Hope he will be future husband or if not, hope Allah picks a better man for me.

Well, I know all of my words here was not related lol. Family, BTS, married, future husband ? Hahahaha 나도 몰라. But yeah.. this post is so random. I’m just trying to let out my thoughts here, 정말 미안해 😭. I’m just feel lonely and I need a person to listen to me, laugh with me, even it’s nonsense. 그럼 안녕히 계세요!

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